Post by Melinda Rhodes on Feb 9, 2019 14:00:40 GMT -7
I sit here, playing the song of my life on an old piano, it's veneer polished to a fine sheen and keys tuned to perfection, yet what I play is neither in harmony nor perfect. It is a mirror of my soul and the constant inner turmoil within. I will never be the beloved figure to many that I so desperately wish to be. There's wounds and scars on my spirit and psyche that will never go away. These are the remnants of a life filled with pain and hurt, loss and betrayal. While I've lived according to my wishes, could it be that what I want is in conflict with who I am?
Many a tear filled night I've spent in solitude, away from my family trying to come to grips with this inner turmoil. Is it really everyone else, or is it all me? Conventional wisdom says yes, I am the problem, but never once have I acted or spoken without some kind of provocation. There was always a reason, a causality that always set off my actions. Just as I am never happy without a reason, so to am I enraged. They call me a monster, but those who call it also caused it. Maybe I'm confused, maybe I don't know, but I do know that in my heart, I am honest, good, and just. Maybe I lie to myself, but in the end, I've never lied to anyone else. I've always carried on with conviction, even when I was wrong.
My family provides me comfort, my husband with his loving arms to embrace me and my daughter's smile always there to give me hope for a better tomorrow. I'm now vicariously experiencing my passion by giving opportunities to others that I so desperately want for myself. Yes, I still crave to be the standard bearer of a company, the grand champion above all, but until I can find myself, why not help others get what I haven't had in a very long time? Why not be a guiding hand for those who wouldn't squander what I have and poison everything good in their world, right?
Maybe this is how I find my way, by stepping back and being the giver rather than the taker for awhile. I love my talent, I love my show, and I love my family, both real and extended. Like siblings we will challenge and fight each other, be both loving and cruel, and taking and teaching all at the same time. Without each other, for better or worse, we do not grow and instead what we love will wither and die.
All I can be is the best person at that moment and sometimes my best isn't good enough. I fall short and spend hours, days, even weeks and months beating the living shit out of myself because in the end, it's my fault that things are the way they are. I made bad choices and people judged me for them. Do they know me? No, not really, and they don't really try to either. It's not like I give people incentive to go out of their way. I really wish I knew a way to be a better me but I am who I am.
I am a unique song whose notes move to an equally unique rhythm that says, "Fuck the metronome."
Perhaps I'll never achieve the heights I wish before I finally grow too old, broken, and tired to continue wrestling, but I'm going to damn sure try and when I'm done? With my body completely spent to the point of smoking, I'm going to be able to look back at the ups and downs and say to myself, "Holy shit what a ride!" I will die happy knowing full well that I did absolutely everything I could to make those dreams come true.
Thank you to those who continue to help me along my path in life, who stand by me even when I'm a totally miserable fucking cunt to deal with. You are the troopers, the truly beautiful and inspirational people who should be celebrated for infinite patience and having a stronger heart than most out there. I fucking love my extended family both in Galactic and beyond. Without you? This bitch may as well be a crabby old hermit living in a box somewhere. You will forever and always have my eternal gratitude.
Many a tear filled night I've spent in solitude, away from my family trying to come to grips with this inner turmoil. Is it really everyone else, or is it all me? Conventional wisdom says yes, I am the problem, but never once have I acted or spoken without some kind of provocation. There was always a reason, a causality that always set off my actions. Just as I am never happy without a reason, so to am I enraged. They call me a monster, but those who call it also caused it. Maybe I'm confused, maybe I don't know, but I do know that in my heart, I am honest, good, and just. Maybe I lie to myself, but in the end, I've never lied to anyone else. I've always carried on with conviction, even when I was wrong.
My family provides me comfort, my husband with his loving arms to embrace me and my daughter's smile always there to give me hope for a better tomorrow. I'm now vicariously experiencing my passion by giving opportunities to others that I so desperately want for myself. Yes, I still crave to be the standard bearer of a company, the grand champion above all, but until I can find myself, why not help others get what I haven't had in a very long time? Why not be a guiding hand for those who wouldn't squander what I have and poison everything good in their world, right?
Maybe this is how I find my way, by stepping back and being the giver rather than the taker for awhile. I love my talent, I love my show, and I love my family, both real and extended. Like siblings we will challenge and fight each other, be both loving and cruel, and taking and teaching all at the same time. Without each other, for better or worse, we do not grow and instead what we love will wither and die.
All I can be is the best person at that moment and sometimes my best isn't good enough. I fall short and spend hours, days, even weeks and months beating the living shit out of myself because in the end, it's my fault that things are the way they are. I made bad choices and people judged me for them. Do they know me? No, not really, and they don't really try to either. It's not like I give people incentive to go out of their way. I really wish I knew a way to be a better me but I am who I am.
I am a unique song whose notes move to an equally unique rhythm that says, "Fuck the metronome."
Perhaps I'll never achieve the heights I wish before I finally grow too old, broken, and tired to continue wrestling, but I'm going to damn sure try and when I'm done? With my body completely spent to the point of smoking, I'm going to be able to look back at the ups and downs and say to myself, "Holy shit what a ride!" I will die happy knowing full well that I did absolutely everything I could to make those dreams come true.
Thank you to those who continue to help me along my path in life, who stand by me even when I'm a totally miserable fucking cunt to deal with. You are the troopers, the truly beautiful and inspirational people who should be celebrated for infinite patience and having a stronger heart than most out there. I fucking love my extended family both in Galactic and beyond. Without you? This bitch may as well be a crabby old hermit living in a box somewhere. You will forever and always have my eternal gratitude.